Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
