I like my sex mixed with concussions.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
there is puke in my bra ... again
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