Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
