i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
