He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
