So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
this hospital has no fireball
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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