You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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