can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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