The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
