Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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