Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
