I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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