You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
