I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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