the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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