I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
