I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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