he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
