I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
