just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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