Swine flu. Run for my life!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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