my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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