Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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