I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
