I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Terrible idea I love it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
