someone threw a dead crab at me
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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