You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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