There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
