So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
