Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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