my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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