Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
