I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
