i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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