Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
