You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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