she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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