Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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