im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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