if only i could text you this smell
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
