census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
