Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
