the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
