I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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