i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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