Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
