Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We need a shit load of segways right now
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
