1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
