i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
