Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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