i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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