We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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