tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
